When a woman tells you she's fine

When a woman tells you she's fine, she's probably just hanging on by a thread. She may be thinking, "I'm drowning, and don't know which way is up," but she'll tell you she's fine because she doesn't want to worry you, or maybe because she doesn't have enough oxygen in her lungs to explain that she feels lonely and abandoned, frightened and confused. If she feels strong enough, she might say that she's had a hard day, or week, but more than likely she'll tell you she's fine, never mind that she's barely holding on til morning when the sun might start a new day.

If a woman tells you she's okay, she might mean okay enough, even though she doesn't remember the last time she laughed with abandon, or talked to a good friend until the moon set and Orion rose, and felt joy like a nine-year-old girl lying on her back on a beach with the waves lapping at her feet.

If a woman tells you she's hanging in, she's nearing the truth, even though she probably holds her breath every time the phone rings or the Blackberry blinks, and feels like screaming at every email message or query around her, even though it's her job to answer questions, her responsibility to make decisions, her role to provide.

If a woman tells you it doesn't matter, it really does matter so very much because she's letting go of her interest and offering up to you the accumulated savings of her fortune: her time.

But, if a woman tells you she's happy, rest assured she is overcome with an ecstasy that cannot be contained or explained. It is joy, shared freely and completely, wrapped in stardust and presented to you with no strings attached and no money-back guarantee, but with all truth and wonder, her eyes shining and lips quivering as they utter words of simple gratitude: I am happy, thank you.

Weight Lifting

Do not ask yourself, 
when you breathe, 
if the oxygen is better used by another --
someone else, somewhere else, sometime else --
dance, sing, write, create
create! so that others around you may 
also breathe.

Easter saved, thanks to Jewish Challah and my xeno husband

I woke up this morning to the scent of lamb roasting in the oven, with a hint of garlic, lemon and oregano tickling my nose. It's Easter Sunday for Orthodox Christians, and this is the smell I associate with this day.


The Greeks celebrate everything well, but Easter is the best feast of all. Why do we celebrate now, so much later than Western Easter? Easter is marked on the first Sunday after the first full moon of Spring. For Orthodox Christians there is one more caveat: as long as it's after Passover, for Jesus was a Jew and had celebrated Passover before the passion. Every six years or so, Passover falls the same week as Western Easter, so Orthodox Christians wait another moon. It usually means the weather's nicer too, which makes for a better barbeque!

Having married an old stock Canadian, or a "xeno" ("foreigner") as the Greeks would say, my family celebrates Easter twice every year, and my children benefit from the best of both traditions -- they can have their chocolate bunny and eat it too! There was no Easter Bunny in the Easters of my childhood, which were spent dyeing eggs red, not pastels, and feasting at the homes of family friends, where we roasted lamb on a spit in the backyard. The men took turns rotating the rotisserie for hours, basting the meat with olive oil, lemon and oregano. The drippings would sizzle on the coals and lift up a sweet aroma with the smoke. If a youngster happened to run nearby at the right time, about 5-6 hours in, she would be treated to a slice of perfectly roasted meat held out by the tanned hands of one of the uncles. We ate all day, and danced in the back yard, or in the garage or basement if it was too cold. 

My mother would spend the week prior cooking and baking, and we would attend church services every night where my father would accompany the cantor with his rich baritone voice reciting and singing the hymns and prayers in response to the priest. Holy Thursday was a marathon session, with the reading of 12 gospels detailing the Passion of Christ (and one year, just like an old Greek song goes, the priest made 12 into 13, accidentally repeating one of the readings and extending the three-hour service even longer!). On Good Friday we got to skip school, and I spent the afternoon at church with my girlfriends and our aunties and yiayiades ("grandmothers") decorating the epitafio -- a flowered wooden bier that would be carried in procession during the candlelight night service that night, symbolizing a funeral procession -- and snacking on antidoro -- soft, fluffy white bread blessed by the priest. Our fingers were still red from dyeing Easter eggs the day before.

The Resurrection service on Saturday night commenced at 11pm, and carried on until 2 in the morning, with candles glowing at midnight as we shared the new light passed on by the priest, from parishioner to parishioner, one by one until the whole building was alight in a soft glow. Xristos anesti! Christ is Risen!, we chanted over and over again, in song and in word, and, Alithos anesti! Indeed, He is risen!, ever louder, in response. The scent of incense and beeswax mixed with burnt hair, as one or another of the girls' hair inevitably caught fire as the light was passed from one to another. When I was very young, our parish rented the local hockey arena so that everyone would fit -- on a regular Sunday there might be 200 people filling the pews, but at Easter, when every lapsed Greek came out of the woodwork, we needed space to hold 2000!

The service ends with a joyfully welcoming sermon, written by St John Chrysostom in the 4th century AD, and repeated in Orthodox churches worldwide every Easter since: 

Let all rejoice in the splendour of this feast! 

...If any have laboured from the first hour,

  let him receive today his rightful due.
If any have come after the third,
  let him celebrate the feast with thankfulness.
If any have come after the sixth,
  let him not be in doubt, for he will suffer no loss.
If any have delayed until the ninth,
  let him not hesitate but draw near.
If any have arrived only at the eleventh,

  let him not be afraid because he comes so late...

One year, our young priest, no doubt exhausted from the week of services and parenting his own young family of four children, but also overcome by the radiance of the night, was moved to tears and could not complete the reading of this text, so my friend Chris, now a priest himself, took the book from his hands and delivered the concluding, triumphant phrases: O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory? Christ is Risen!

This year, life took over and I was unprepared for the feast. We had house guests arriving, a sick son had just returned from a three-day school trip, and an exhausted family overall, so I had decided we wouldn't do "Greek" Easter this weekend. We had celebrated Western Easter a month prior, and I didn't have it in me to pull out all the stops again. We had guests so we would not make it to church. I hadn't coloured any eggs, I hadn't made tsoureki (Easter sweet bread, which takes at least 8 hours to make, given time needed for the dough to rise) or koulourakia (twisted cookies with sesame seeds). I had bought a leg of lamb but it remained frozen solid in the freezer and would need a day to thaw. I decided to wait until next weekend; since Bright Week (the week that follows Easter) is considered as one long day of feasting, there remained time enough to celebrate.

But yesterday afternoon, the gravitational pull of history, tradition and home overcame my indolence. All afternoon, I felt homesick. "It's as though it is Christmas Eve, but with no decorations hung, no gifts wrapped, no Christmas carols, no church, no plans, no cookies baked and no food cooking!" I wailed to my family, and then pulled myself together. We could at least colour some eggs, I thought. I still had half a packet of red dye from last year. We would dye them in the evening and at least have red eggs for breakfast on Sunday. That would be good enough, right? Oh, but the eggs would taste so much better if accompanied by tsoureki. But it was 5pm! How to make dough and have it rise for 6 hours, knead it, and then rise two hours more, before baking? And then it hit me: I pulled out my bread-maker recipe book, and found it: a recipe for Jewish Challah -- sweet egg bread -- the dough could be ready in two hours, twisted into braids and baked for half an hour. After all, Jesus was Jewish. There would even be time to make koulourakia while the dough was rising. Easter was saved!

"Oh, it smells so good in here," my kids said, one after the other, over the course of the evening, warming my heart. I lit a few candles and sat in easy conversation with my childhood friend, and then I went to bed, sleepy and satisfied. It was the eleventh hour, but my fingers were stained red and smelled of sugar and butter, and the scent of candles floated throughout the house.

I awoke this morning, slowly, emerging from dreams mixed with the scent of lamb. Confused, at first, I forced myself to consciousness. I still smelled lamb: could the smells from a dream cross over to reality? But no, the smells were real. My husband -- the "xeno" -- had bought fresh lamb and potatoes, which he was roasting in the oven with olive oil, lemon and oregano.

Rich and poor, dance together.
You who fasted and you who have not fasted, rejoice together.
The table is fully laden: let all enjoy it.


Indeed, Easter was saved.

A memo, in poetry

Even when I'm not writing, I'm writing. I haven't managed to write a new blog post in several weeks, or a new story or poem in several months. But I have been writing: Five work applications, justifying in five different ways how my expertise and experience are well-suited to five different potential positions. A memo seeking approval of funding for a potential new programming initiative. Countless email messages seeking or sharing information.

My writing instructor at the "Writing With Style" course I took at the Banff Centre year-before-last advised us to write well even when we're not writing creatively; to make every word, and every moment of communication, count and be presented in as clean and as meaningful a manner as possible. It's good advice. Every word, every message, every note provides an opportunity to communicate and should be done well.

I wonder what it would be like to write an funding approval memo in poetry instead of prose. The one I wrote this week might have gone like this:

We are seeking your approval
to support the dreams
and aspirations of
600 million people, of whom
130 million remain poor,
not poor in spirit, or poor in heart,
not poor in ambition or talent,
not poor in ability or resourcefulness,
-- for if we were to measure these,
and compare them to ours, I
sometimes wonder where we would fall --
through this initiative that will allow
people to study,
to foster connections,
to spark an idea, or
to make a lasting memory
that just might change the world
or even, only, their own perspective of it

Three Books I'm Reading

I usually have more than one book on the go at any one time. A novel or two for when I have longer stretches of time, a book of short stories for times when I don't want to commit to a lengthy plot, a memoir for when I want to read about real people, maybe a book of poetry on the nightstand for a quick glance of inspiration. At the moment I am committed to three books, four if you count the one I'm scared of.

And the Mountains Echoed, by Khaled Hosseini, is about Afghanistan, and it is not about Afghanistan. It is a rich, sweeping saga, covering multiple generations, multiple countries, with families and friends tied together in ways known and unknown, discovering secrets and betrayals, and exploring love, family and identity.

The Heart Goes Last, by Margaret Atwood is dystopia -- and Atwood -- at its best, or worst, depending on how much you like dystopia, or Atwood. I dislike dystopia, but I like Atwood. Well, most of Atwood. I don't like Atwood's dystopia: the people don't feel real, they are paper cut-outs without blood, breath or soul. I keep shaking my head and thinking "Oh Margaret, really?" and then I keep reading. Because, well, it's Margaret Atwood.

Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace, by Anne Lamott, is soul-opening. Lamott writes about friendship, family, motherhood, community and faith. Her writing is simple, honest and real. Every day moments are as life-affirming as significant milestones.

And then there's Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, which details the author's quest to overcome her grief at the loss of her mother by hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, alone. Published in 2012, the same year my mother died, I remember flipping through its pages in the bookstore, overcome by tears within a few sentences. Too soon, I thought, and left the book behind. I watched the movie a couple of months ago. Over three years on, I felt ready to face another daughter's grief and compare it to my own. I made it through the movie (my fists, jaw and neck so clenched that a powerful migraine overtook me that same night). I decided to try reading the book. I read through the introduction, heart pounding, tears flowing; too soon. So it sits on my coffee table. Some day I will read it. Or maybe some day I will take a long walk.

Alleluia

There is a word that is one part joy, one part gratitude and one part relief: alleluia.

Alleluia can mean: We arrived home safely. Or, it's about time!
Alleluia can mean: I am seriously confused but will listen. Or, we agree to disagree!
Alleluia can mean: We are so fortunate to live in this place and time. Or, this country is beautiful!
Alleluia can mean: The days are lengthening and flowers blooming. Or, there is magic in that sunset!
Alleluia can mean: I missed you so much. Or, I am so happy to know you!
Alleluia can mean: I have made it through another day. Or, I have life and I am loved!
Alleluia can mean: There is so much to do today. Or, I finished that project!
Alleluia can mean: My friends are near me. Or, I have known amazing people!
Alleluia can mean: The rain came, and the gardens will grow. Or, I wrote a poem today!
Alleluia can mean: I am happy, I am thankful, I am ok. Or, we are going to be fine!

In Puerto Rico, I remember hearing alleluia as a response in daily conversation. Your car broke down but then re-started? Alleluia. Your mother was in hospital but returned home after treatment or surgery? Alleluia. The hurricane blew through the island causing damage but no one was hurt? Alleluia. Your son found a job? Alleluia. Your daughter returned after completing her studies in the US? Alleluia. If you are hurt, or sick, in trouble or confused, people will say to you, ay bendito, or "oh blessed one".  It means: You are accompanied in your pain, your sorrow, your discomfort, until there is a resolution, until we can say again, alleluia!

I have been in pain, in sorrow, in discomfort, as have people around me whom I love. Resolution is not always tangible, concrete, visible, perfect or predictable. Sometimes it is fleeting, but it has been felt. And today I say, with all my heart, alleluia.

This week in emotions

Confusion, mild panic at Trumpomania south of the border.
Pride, mild amusement at Trudeaumania south of the border.
Nostalgia after a phone call to a dear friend in Switzerland, with whom I have not communicated in about twenty years.
Awe at Facebook photo capturing Dan's grandmother and her four older sisters celebrating the 100th birthday of the eldest.
Satisfaction, and fatigue, after following a three day course on project planning software, in French, thereby using both sides of my brain simultaneously and wondering if maybe I might have been a computer geek in another lifetime (right, not.)
Denial before I come to terms with changes in eyesight and realization of having developed crows feet due to squinting.
Relief following appointment with hematologist (there is nothing wrong with my liver and I can continue living with the habits to which I have become accustomed, although I acknowledge that I should get more exercise).
Contentment watching husband and his dad sitting together on our patio chairs after shovelling off the deck, same legs crossed and heads tilted at the same angle.
Wonder at seeing the crescent moon emerge in the sky, shining brightly and visible through my family room window, knowing that at the opposite end of the earth my brother witnessed a solar eclipse caused by the same moon.

Our emotions are sometimes so big.  And yet, we are so small.